Suppressed Sorrow

So last Sunday, my dad bought me a new phone. Thank God! I couldn't handle using that stone age Sony Ericsson T610! I would much rather just get my Xperia back than one of those generic phones that a lot of people know about and want but... I got an N97. Which would be great... I mean, yay, touch screen and QWERTY keypad... But my (I really should stop saying "my". It's not like I still have it.) Xperia X1 had those features too and it also had a definitive style and a kickass ad (Each one is a limited edition.)

Still I shouldn't complain. I'm lucky to be so spoiled as to lose a more than 30K phone and get another... I still hope the person who stole it burns in hell though. And also my mom went overnight to Manila to apply for a ShenZhen (sp?) visa and since National isn't as much a bookstore as a school supply store, I asked her to buy me all the books I need to tide me ove until Christmas. I am so loving The Luxe books. They just... *squeals*

And yeah, I changed my blog layout. I think this one suits me really well. I had to edit the image though since it said "Life's Complictaed" without Photoshop which is why if you look closely it's a bit messy. I love the image though. With all the equations. And the color... I'm not that good at coding but I'm proud of the little work I did to the layout. But I still want a cuter tagboard. One that won't have ads. I'll do that on the weekend. For now, I want to finish Rumors (the second The Luxe book).

Life's complicated. Nothing's gonna change that...
8:24 PM

Okay, reading my last post seriously freaked me out... It's so... un-me. Anyway, I only have two substandard grades!!! (Granted one of the is a two-unit subject ut still...) I got 2.75 in CompSci and Chem. Which is pretty good considering how lazy and uninspiredI've been. The bad part is... English. Igot 2.25 in English. I'm still recovering from shock. I mean, it's English. I've never ever gotten anything lower than 90% in English since I was in prep. 2.25 is like 70% or something. English was the only thing that made me realize 'WTF am I doing with my life? Am I really content with not so stellar grades like 2.25? In English?!?' .

I'm still in denial. I know I didn't pass our project which counted for 25% of our grade or follow the instructions in the quarter exam but... It's English! If I can get a grade like that in English... *shudder*. It's like nothing's real anymore... I know it's like I'm over-reacting but English is a big deal to me... If I'm not good at it than what am I good at?

Life's complicated. Nothing's gonna change that...
7:59 AM

Is it wrong to mask your hurt with hate? Is it wrong to want to be happy at the risk of making others sad? Is it wrong to want to try to get rid of that nagging feeling of emptiness by filling up your life with stuff (and people) you don't need and don't even really want? I hate my life. I hate my family. I hate my studies. Lately, I've realized I hate my "friends". Dealing with all of it is just so pointless. All the stuff they expect from me... I'm not giving it to them. I don't want to give them anything.

Honestly, I don't know why I feel this way. I don't have any real problems or reasons to be depressed. I've always hated the whole emo scene. I could never understand how some people could let anything stop them from seeing how amazing life is and how lucky we are that God gave us so much. Ha! Little did I know I'd feel that way...

Is it really just that so-called "teen angst"? That dawning into consciousness of the fact that we really don't control anything in our life. No matter what we do during our lives, how we do it, whether or not we'll be remembered after we die, whether our lives are happy or sad, the fact is that we die. And then what? I believe in God but Heaven? I know it's unimaginable happiness which is why I can't picture it but... Our lives. Our actual lives here on Earth. Do they really matter? Would it change anything if I died today than if I died when I'm 75 and have grandkids? How big would the difference really be? Would the world have been any less awesome for anybody if I was never born? Would it really matter to anyone after 50 years if I ended my life tonight?

Life's complicated. Nothing's gonna change that...
2:00 PM

I'm at school right now but I'm kinda sick of doing these projects. They're so boring... Well, not really, but it's so monotonous reading primary articles. I don't even know what stuff like O-methylmoscatoline, chromatographic separation, or quaternary carbons mean. I should probably be finishing my requirements right now but... Oh, well... I'll post again later when I'm done with these.

PS: Haven't been doing the whole "good girl" thing that well.

Life's complicated. Nothing's gonna change that...
1:13 PM

I finally understand why stars (britney Spears, Cassie, etc.) shave their heads. It makes you feel like you're in sharge of your life if you're in charge of your hair... NO, I did not shave my head!!! I could never do that to my hair. (plus, I'm pretty sure I'd get kicked out.) No, I had my hair permed today. It's all curly now. It's different from my hair in 5th Grade though... I like it better this way. It gives my hair more body... It's kinda high maintenance, though. (Okay, not really. I just have to apply hair something for a wet look and then blowdry.) That's gonna be hard to do every morning, though. Hmm... Shaving my hair would make it incredibly low (actually, no) maintenance.

Anyway, tomorrow is our Quarter exams for Physics (should be a snap), CompSci (survivable), and electives (English Journalism). I'm pretty sure I won't get kicked out. As long as I actually start exerting effort. (Effort is really hatd to exert...)

Right now, I'm doing my English (narrative essay on a picture showing poverty), CompSci (700 word essay on Network Privacy), Physics (my Investigatory project on buoyancy), and, of course, the much despised Research (I still need to edit my concept paper.).

Oh yeah, I've decided to change my image (along with my hair). Instead of the "sosi" but occasionally emo due to artehan/shallow reasons (Yes, I'm bipolar.), I'm gonna be a good girl. Well, not too good. I really don't wanna be boring. I wanna be incredibly nice too people, generous, forgiving, helpful, all that stuff that has always challenged me. I've always liked being incredibly unpredictable. I hope I can still be unpredictable while being "good"... Good girls usually bore me or annoy me. They've always seemed so... I dunno.

Yeah... Well, blog posts break the monotony of my life so... Yeah... I decided to post despite the unfinished project and fast approaching deadline. Ahem... Umm... I guess I'll go do them now.

Life's complicated. Nothing's gonna change that...
8:29 PM

Breaking Point

I can only take so much.

I'm smart... not perfect.

I have never felt so stressed.

Lately, everything's gone wrong.

The whole universe...

It's conspiring against me.

The perfect cellphone: stolen.

Computer: broken.

And when I needed it most...

The internet connection

decided to break.

But when everything gets fixed...

Ordered a Samsung Omnia,

Computer's repaired...

And I get a storm and brownouts!

What the hell did I do now?

I've been a good girl!

Yet, I'm gonna fail Research...

No! I'll think positively.

I'm going to pass.

I'll do my concept paper.

I'll finish it. Though it's late.

I'll get good grades. Then...

I'll drop out with dignity.

Life's complicated. Nothing's gonna change that...
10:03 PM