Metmet Aportadera
Philippine Science High School-Western Visayas (2011)
University of Sto. Tomas
18
I'm really not sure exactly who I am.
But whoever is reading this has access to my innermost thoughts.
So I'll let them decide.
Sony Vaio Duo
Sony Xperia Z
Machiavelli Chocolatier Chocolates
Pandora Charms
A Trip to Paris
New Accomodations
Serenitea Gift Certificates
Bizu, Cafe Macaron, or TWG Macaroons
I don't know if it's because I'm listening to Secondhand Serenade or if it's more "teen angst". I feel so hopeless, like maybe I can never get my happily ever after. I know I don't seem the type to daydream about "love" but... I'm a pretty good liar. And I've gotten used to hiding my emotions. Why let your feelings show when that gives other people an advantage? It's a cruel world. I'm just trying to survive with my dignity, sanity, personality and heart intact. I actually have some stuff I should be doing and now that I've decided that I'm going to Columbia University no matter what, I should really be doing everything I can to become a "DL". But really, a medical degree from an Ivy League university... is one of the thing I'm confident that I want. Or should want. I don't know anything anymore and I'm not going to post any 'emo' thoughts like wanting to take my life because I know how lucky I am and that the only thing I can really do if I want to change the world is try. I know I live practically a perfect life; middle-class, more or less well-off family, fun, unassuming friends, unscathed heart (Well, not broken, at least), adorable, friendly pets, all the stuffed toys I could possibly wish for (but I still want more pigs), sufficing grades, a profound relationship with God, decent looks, andcstrong self-confidence (Some would say pride...*cough*) but it always feels like I need something. I'm grateful and content for all the blessings but I just want something more... Actually, the only thing Iknow I wantneedis for someone to love me. To accept me for who I am. To cherish my flaws because they are a part of who I am. Someone who I can hold on to and will never let go because I'm worth it. Other than God. Not that God doesn't count or anything but God loves everybody. I'm not saying His standards are low or anything but... He is perfect. He is an almighty Being who knows everything about us. He made us the way we are. I want to know that someone can appreciate everything I am and still be just as perfectly imperfect as I would be... I want someone incomplete to feel exactly what I would feel and whatever was amiss wouldn't be anymore. And I know I sound really cheesy. But hey, who doesn't just love cheese? I know I act like catty and vindictive but that's just during the times I feel most vulnerable. I've got this complex (denial) that tells me if I pretend not to care and not to feel, then that means nothing can affect me and nothing can hurt me. But it still does. And I have no idea if I can heal the wounds on my own.
It's 2:06 AM right now, according to the clock on this laptop. I want to sleep. Can't. EngJourn stuff due tomorrow. Actually, everything is due tomorrow. If I'm not mistaken, tomorrow is the deadline of our teacher's submission of grades. Most teachers are ultra-nice so that'a usually the day they set as the FINAL deadline of our projects. I could do this tomorrow, of course. But Elective is right after morning break so I wouldn't have much time... I plan to do it tomorrow though... I just can't do it anymore. I'm about ready to faint from exhaustion. Anything I come up with at this hour would be crap. Well, except for this blogpost, of course. After all, this is just me expressing my feelings, my opinion. The problem with me is that I can't bring myself to write about something I'm just not that interested in. If it's an assigned topic, Bring it on! But when I have to think of my own topic... Like I said, I can't write about something I don't care much about. Normally, that would mean my topics and therefore the outputs would be wuite personal and very "me". Well, obviously, this is formal writing. Which means, I can't be the opinionated bitch that I am. And I can't exactly reamin neutral about things I am passionate about. Anyway, I'll just ignore my personal standards and copy-paste some news articles I don't care much about. I'll "paraphrase" them tomorrow. A column can't be that hard to write... I hope... I know I can do this. All I need is to get enough sleep tonight.
Life's complicated. Nothing's gonna change that...
2:05 AM
♥ Sunday, October 4, 2009
I know I haven't been updating for a while and there are two main reasons for that. The first is Research. It's a one unit subject that is supposed to help us develop a love for research and hopefully transform us into scientists. In the 1st Qtr, we had to decide on our research topic, gather information from primary articles and submit a draft of our concept paper. This 2nd Qtr, we had to form our work units, decide on whose topic we would use, expound on the information on the chosen concept paper and defend our study against a panel of Research teachers. Actually, the only real hard part was the primary articles. Most come with a price and the ones that don't... usually suck. The second reason is Facebook. In the 1st Qtr, I didn't want to sign up because I didn't want to just be going with my class- and batchmates over the latest site fad and I was really struggling to cope with school because apparently SSIP changed most of us. The boys have gotten more perverted, the girls have become more tolerant of their perversion, and I really missed Gilbert... In the 2nd Qtr, we had some time at the start of the quarter and I was reading books like The Luxe and Gossip Girl. After I finished them I felt like I wanted a new start... So I signed up. I got hooked on Playfish and Zynga games, I mutated into a lifeform that could survive without sleep (well, except during Math class), and I realized what an insignificant speck Gilbert was. (Well, the last part could just be me slipping into denial.) My life is much more balanced now and thankfully, I've been able to get ok scores on quizzes, pass most of the homework and projects, surpass my batchmates in Mafia Wars, Restaurant City, etc., become closer with a new group of friends (while still being tight with the other group), get a new cellphone, get a new credit card (a platinum SB mastercard), and miraculously, get enough sleep.And-CRAP!!! I totally forgot!!! I have to pass my concept paper with the methodology to Sir Aris tomorrow!!!I'll update more next time. *sigh* Looks like I won't get any sleep tonight.
