I don't think I'm ready to go to college, to be unsupervised by my parents, to live away from home, to be an adult. 

     The thing is, before now, the whole college thing, didn't seem like my decision. It was up to Tatay and/or God to make for me. I just assumed I would have to live with what they wanted for me. Even if it wasn't really what I wanted for myself.

     And then, I got a DOST Merit Scholarship. Suddenly, I had leverage. I could have a say in which college I would attend. Naturally, I chose what Tatay wouldn't, what my teachers and family members (incorrectly, I desperately hope) so strongly asserted I wasn't ready for.

     And maybe, I'm not. Maybe I just chose to study at UST because studying in Manila was the option that I didn't have before.  The option fewer people get to choose. Maybe it was a good thing when decisions about college weren't mine to make. Because honestly, I'm not really sure what I do actually want for myself.

     So now it's midnight. And I'm scared. Of maybe having made the wrong decision. And sad. Because it's too late to turn back without consequences.

     To be completely honest, I'm afraid to say goodbye. To anything or anyone. Ever. (Well, except for that one bulky bitch.) I'm not afraid of new things. In fact I welcome them. This is pretty obvious from the way I shop. But I am deathly horrified of throwing anything away.

     No, scratch that. I can handle not having things. What I fear so greatly is missing something. Wishing I had it with me and knowing I never can again. I'm paralyzed at the thought of yearning for something, remembering what things were like, but never being able to experience them like that anymore. 

     I'm scared of regretting having given up or losing something and wishing I'd enjoyed and appreciated it more when still I could.

     I don't want to be doing what I am right now. Crying in the middle of the night because of the realization that nothing can last forever.

     I hate it when my angsty teenage hormonal imbalances mess with my hypothalamus and make me blow every little thing up into some life defining moment.

     But just so I'll never have to deplore the fact that I barely recorded my thoughts, I'm putting pen to paper. I don't care if it is just part of the whole "not missing anything" bug that's in my system but somehow, I want to be able to look back moments like this and think 'At least I wasn't a complete airhead all the time.' 

     I want to remember the instant that I felt this incredibly insecure. The instant I started questioning my decision to enroll at USTe. Conveniently, right after it was set in stone.

     Right now, I just really need to reassure myself that this isn't a mistake. That this is in fact what is meant for me. And if I trust in God's will, I'll stop being so irresolute. So, the University of Sto. Tomas: