Metmet Aportadera
Philippine Science High School-Western Visayas (2011)
University of Sto. Tomas
18
I'm really not sure exactly who I am.
But whoever is reading this has access to my innermost thoughts.
So I'll let them decide.
Sony Vaio Duo
Sony Xperia Z
Machiavelli Chocolatier Chocolates
Pandora Charms
A Trip to Paris
New Accomodations
Serenitea Gift Certificates
Bizu, Cafe Macaron, or TWG Macaroons
Dear Diary,
I feel like I need to scream somewhere where nobody can hear me or at least where nobody can hold what I say against me. But I still want someone to listen. Unfortunately, I don't have the courage to open up about this to any of my IRL friends.
I've always been very confident of myself. I've always felt like I could be great, like I could change the world, as cliched as that sounds. Among my friends, I've always been the one that dreamt the biggest, that expected the most from herself. I've never been one for self-pity.
I feel so jealous of my best friend. Well, I still consider her my best friend. We spent elementary at the same school. We grew up together. I was practically the one who taught her English!
But I transferred to a different high school. We kept in touch but didn't meet up too often. During freshman and sophomore year, she discovered and explored new interests while I was still adjusting to the new environment and dealing with being swamped with schoolwork and the stress that comes with it to even send her a text message. By senior year, she had become so busy with her extracurricular activities that my Facebook and text messages got buried under the dozens that she received each day.
Now, we're both incoming college sophomores and I'm torn between wondering whether I held her back and feeling so incredibly jealous of how far she's gone. Both of which I should know are stupid and crazy.
It's just that she's more popular than ever and I'm permanently keeping my fingers crossed that my college blockmates don't secretly hate me. She has so many supporters and parents who are pushing her and working for her success. I keep being told that I'm too idealistic and that there's no financial security in what I would love to do. She's having all her dreams come true while I still haven't really figured out mine.
The worst part of it is that I don't even know where I stand anymore. I know she thinks of a lot of other people as her best friends too and I'm not sure if I'm still on of them. I don't want to be the sad girl from her past who clings onto her for a taste of "fame and fortune". I couldn't care less about fame and fortune!!!
But I don't want to lose her as a friend. She's always been like a safety net for me. If everything broke apart, she would be the first person I talk to. No matter what happened, I've always known she would be there fore me.
But I don't want to drag her down either. She wasn't very popular back then. The other girls would say horrible things about her behind her back. I was close with that other group from kindergarten to first grade and sometimes, when she and I fought, I would join them. She very often cried.
I'm so self-absorbed that even now, during her time to shine, the only thing I can think of is that I can't stand that I might not be as important to her as she is to me.
I'm so afraid that she's outgrown me, that I'm no longer "good enough" for her and that I'll never have what she has.
All this while there's a little voice inside of me, that jealousy I mentioned earlier, who keeps saying, "You should have everything she has. You deserve it as much as she does. You're just as talented. You're taller, skinnier, and much, much smarter."
I can't help it. I'm human. And everybody seems to think she's something above that..
