This blog was supposed to be my diary. A safe outlet. Only, it isn't.
It's public. For some reason, I wasn't able to grasp that in high school and should anyone attempt to stalk me, so much humiliating information is going to be revealed.
I just read through past posts and I can't even believe how melodramatic and needy I was.
Still, it's a little bittersweet to be reminded of how innocent I used to be. I've lost my naivete when it comes to most things but I'm actually trying my best to retain to what little idealism I still hold. I don't want to be cynical. I don't want to read my old blog posts and think of myself as stupid. I don't want my first reaction to everything be an expectation of insipidity.
My old posts had their merits. I shun the grammatical errors but there are elements I wish I could regain. My honesty for one. I miss being so open. Nowadays, I feel like I trust as little as I can. My friends... I haven't called a single person a best friend, not since elementary, not since Myrtle and the twins. Not out loud at least. I find ways around it, "my closest friends", "my barkada", "my innermost social circle", "us", NEVER "my best friend/s".
Why not? Because how pathetic is it to claim familiarity with someone who doesn't consider you as dearly.
I have always, ALWAYS had a fear of rejection. But it's more than that, it's a fear of failure, of not being good enough. It's easier to accept that you aren't popular because of lack of trying than because of an actual lack of social competence. Not that I think I'm unpopular. I have friends, lots of friends and I have no knowledge of being held in contempt. But occasionally I wonder if I'm only liked because of the image I project. Sometimes I even wonder if I've become nothing but that.
I keep my true opinions to myself so often that in many cases, I realize I don't have an opinion at all. I try to appear aloof but most of the time, I've actually become indifferent.
I have incredibly low self-confidence. I'm analytical, observant and objective; I know why I lack self-confidence. I just don't have the courage to do anything about it.
That and life's already pretty good as it is. Why mess with a good thing?
