It's public. For some reason, I wasn't able to grasp that in high school and should anyone attempt to stalk me, so much humiliating information is going to be revealed.

I just read through past posts and I can't even believe how melodramatic and needy I was.

Still, it's a little bittersweet to be reminded of how innocent I used to be. I've lost my naivete when it comes to most things but I'm actually trying my best to retain to what little idealism I still hold. I don't want to be cynical. I don't want to read my old blog posts and think of myself as stupid. I don't want my first reaction to everything be an expectation of insipidity.

My old posts had their merits. I shun the grammatical errors but there are elements I wish I could regain. My honesty for one. I miss being so open. Nowadays, I feel like I trust as little as I can. My friends... I haven't called a single person a best friend, not since elementary, not since Myrtle and the twins. Not out loud at least. I find ways around it, "my closest friends", "my barkada", "my innermost social circle", "us", NEVER "my best friend/s".

Why not? Because how pathetic is it to claim familiarity with someone who doesn't consider you as dearly.

I have always, ALWAYS had a fear of rejection. But it's more than that, it's a fear of failure, of not being good enough. It's easier to accept that you aren't popular because of lack of trying than because of an actual lack of social competence. Not that I think I'm unpopular. I have friends, lots of friends and I have no knowledge of being held in contempt. But occasionally I wonder if I'm only liked because of the image I project. Sometimes I even wonder if I've become nothing but that.

I keep my true opinions to myself so often that in many cases, I realize I don't have an opinion at all. I try to appear aloof but most of the time, I've actually become indifferent.

I have incredibly low self-confidence. I'm analytical, observant and objective; I know why I lack self-confidence. I just don't have the courage to do anything about it.

That and life's already pretty good as it is. Why mess with a good thing?

There are a ton of things I have to say. Unfortunately, I never seem to have the time to write them down. This is even more complicated by the fact that the dorm turns off our internet at 10pm and I'm at my most literate past midnight. God, where do I start? Let's start the release of the results of the 2011 Bar Exams. Tatay didn't pass, and for the first time ever, I realized failure was possible. I have never worked hard. Never. No matter how difficult the situation, I knew I would get through it; no matter how major an exam, I was always sure I could pass it. Now I'm not so certain. Then there was the time in the middle of summer, when I found out my semestral average for the 2nd term was only 2.02. It was shameful to say the least. My parents were disappointed, my friends were disappointed but I think I was the most disheartened of all. I know that I am by no means perfect. I guess, I just never realized that I wasn't invincible either. I keep saying that I'll revive this blog but I can never seem to get around to actually posting. When I have the time to post, it's because things have been so tediously uneventful. When I do have so much I need to express, I simply don't have the energy anymore. But I want to have a record of my life. I want to be able to picture in detail what my college life was like. I have no idea what to talk about first though, except that I miss high school and I miss my old friends. That I want nothing more than to have lunch with them and talk about anything and everything and nothing at all. But I'll save that for next time. That way I have a topic for tomorrow's post. I'm back and I'm here to stay. ;) xoxo

Life's complicated. Nothing's gonna change that...
9:53 PM