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The Girl

Metmet Aportadera
Philippine Science High School-Western Visayas (2011)
University of Sto. Tomas
18
I'm really not sure exactly who I am.
But whoever is reading this has access to my innermost thoughts.
So I'll let them decide.


Linked!

Abbie
Jasmine
Jeanne
Jessa
Justine
Kai
Ma'am Amsi
Myrtle
Tatay


Fulfill Them For Me?

Sony Vaio Duo
Sony Xperia Z
Machiavelli Chocolatier Chocolates
Pandora Charms
A Trip to Paris
New Accomodations
Serenitea Gift Certificates
Bizu, Cafe Macaron, or TWG Macaroons

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May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 January 2010 March 2010 May 2010 June 2010 August 2010 March 2011 April 2011 July 2011 August 2011 January 2012 May 2012 June 2012 August 2013


Gratitude

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♥ Thursday, August 1, 2013

This blog was supposed to be my diary. A safe outlet. Only, it isn't.
It's public. For some reason, I wasn't able to grasp that in high school and should anyone attempt to stalk me, so much humiliating information is going to be revealed.
I just read through past posts and I can't even believe how melodramatic and needy I was.
Still, it's a little bittersweet to be reminded of how innocent I used to be. I've lost my naivete when it comes to most things but I'm actually trying my best to retain to what little idealism I still hold. I don't want to be cynical. I don't want to read my old blog posts and think of myself as stupid. I don't want my first reaction to everything be an expectation of insipidity.
My old posts had their merits. I shun the grammatical errors but there are elements I wish I could regain. My honesty for one. I miss being so open. Nowadays, I feel like I trust as little as I can. My friends... I haven't called a single person a best friend, not since elementary, not since Myrtle and the twins. Not out loud at least. I find ways around it, "my closest friends", "my barkada", "my innermost social circle", "us", NEVER "my best friend/s".
Why not? Because how pathetic is it to claim familiarity with someone who doesn't consider you as dearly.
I have always, ALWAYS had a fear of rejection. But it's more than that, it's a fear of failure, of not being good enough. It's easier to accept that you aren't popular because of lack of trying than because of an actual lack of social competence. Not that I think I'm unpopular. I have friends, lots of friends and I have no knowledge of being held in contempt. But occasionally I wonder if I'm only liked because of the image I project. Sometimes I even wonder if I've become nothing but that.
I keep my true opinions to myself so often that in many cases, I realize I don't have an opinion at all. I try to appear aloof but most of the time, I've actually become indifferent.

I have incredibly low self-confidence. I'm analytical, observant and objective; I know why I lack self-confidence. I just don't have the courage to do anything about it.

That and life's already pretty good as it is. Why mess with a good thing?


Life's complicated. Nothing's gonna change that...
11:56 AM


♥ Friday, June 22, 2012

There are a ton of things I have to say. Unfortunately, I never seem to have the time to write them down. This is even more complicated by the fact that the dorm turns off our internet at 10pm and I'm at my most literate past midnight. God, where do I start? Let's start the release of the results of the 2011 Bar Exams. Tatay didn't pass, and for the first time ever, I realized failure was possible. I have never worked hard. Never. No matter how difficult the situation, I knew I would get through it; no matter how major an exam, I was always sure I could pass it. Now I'm not so certain. Then there was the time in the middle of summer, when I found out my semestral average for the 2nd term was only 2.02. It was shameful to say the least. My parents were disappointed, my friends were disappointed but I think I was the most disheartened of all. I know that I am by no means perfect. I guess, I just never realized that I wasn't invincible either. I keep saying that I'll revive this blog but I can never seem to get around to actually posting. When I have the time to post, it's because things have been so tediously uneventful. When I do have so much I need to express, I simply don't have the energy anymore. But I want to have a record of my life. I want to be able to picture in detail what my college life was like. I have no idea what to talk about first though, except that I miss high school and I miss my old friends. That I want nothing more than to have lunch with them and talk about anything and everything and nothing at all. But I'll save that for next time. That way I have a topic for tomorrow's post. I'm back and I'm here to stay. ;) xoxo


Life's complicated. Nothing's gonna change that...
9:53 PM


♥ Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Dear Diary, I feel like I need to scream somewhere where nobody can hear me or at least where nobody can hold what I say against me. But I still want someone to listen. Unfortunately, I don't have the courage to open up about this to any of my IRL friends. I've always been very confident of myself. I've always felt like I could be great, like I could change the world, as cliched as that sounds. Among my friends, I've always been the one that dreamt the biggest, that expected the most from herself. I've never been one for self-pity. I feel so jealous of my best friend. Well, I still consider her my best friend. We spent elementary at the same school. We grew up together. I was practically the one who taught her English! But I transferred to a different high school. We kept in touch but didn't meet up too often. During freshman and sophomore year, she discovered and explored new interests while I was still adjusting to the new environment and dealing with being swamped with schoolwork and the stress that comes with it to even send her a text message. By senior year, she had become so busy with her extracurricular activities that my Facebook and text messages got buried under the dozens that she received each day. Now, we're both incoming college sophomores and I'm torn between wondering whether I held her back and feeling so incredibly jealous of how far she's gone. Both of which I should know are stupid and crazy. It's just that she's more popular than ever and I'm permanently keeping my fingers crossed that my college blockmates don't secretly hate me. She has so many supporters and parents who are pushing her and working for her success. I keep being told that I'm too idealistic and that there's no financial security in what I would love to do. She's having all her dreams come true while I still haven't really figured out mine. The worst part of it is that I don't even know where I stand anymore. I know she thinks of a lot of other people as her best friends too and I'm not sure if I'm still on of them. I don't want to be the sad girl from her past who clings onto her for a taste of "fame and fortune". I couldn't care less about fame and fortune!!! But I don't want to lose her as a friend. She's always been like a safety net for me. If everything broke apart, she would be the first person I talk to. No matter what happened, I've always known she would be there fore me. But I don't want to drag her down either. She wasn't very popular back then. The other girls would say horrible things about her behind her back. I was close with that other group from kindergarten to first grade and sometimes, when she and I fought, I would join them. She very often cried. I'm so self-absorbed that even now, during her time to shine, the only thing I can think of is that I can't stand that I might not be as important to her as she is to me. I'm so afraid that she's outgrown me, that I'm no longer "good enough" for her and that I'll never have what she has. All this while there's a little voice inside of me, that jealousy I mentioned earlier, who keeps saying, "You should have everything she has. You deserve it as much as she does. You're just as talented. You're taller, skinnier, and much, much smarter." I can't help it. I'm human. And everybody seems to think she's something above that..


Life's complicated. Nothing's gonna change that...
11:37 PM


♥ Monday, May 14, 2012

Just another reason for me to devour literature... ^__^

'Losing yourself' in a fictional character can affect your real life


Life's complicated. Nothing's gonna change that...
2:50 AM


♥ Thursday, January 19, 2012


Originally written: January 17, 2012; 01:24 AM


It’s the middle of the night again but this time I’m not writing because I have more philosophical ponderings that I need to vent. This time, I just decided to blog for a while because I need a break from studying.

Yes, you heard that right. I am actually studying. Me. The girl who laughed at academic labors while effortlessly maintaining an above below average grade. Although, I must say, my first semester grade here in UST was actually exceedingly satisfactory. I ranked number four in the class. Not that the posting of Dean’s Listers in the office is a very good motivational factor. They spelled my name wrong. “Aporteda”... -__-

Anyway, I need to write down for facts about garlic in these pathetic little index cards. I don’t even know what the point of most of these things we’re supposed to do is. Well, I understand this garlic thing. It’s for our Review of Related Literature in the research paper that we’re writing ENTIRELY IN FILIPINO. *shudder* My two greatest weaknesses come together...

I hope I can still make Dean’s List again this semester (which is why I’m actually studying) despite the fact that Botany is a load of red ink and Ma’am Laurente seems to be entering menopause. I should go back to my schoolwork. Who knew other people actually worked so hard? T_T


Life's complicated. Nothing's gonna change that...
10:03 PM